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By Beth Scholes

Once angry words leave our mouths we cannot take them back. Angry outbursts seriously impact relationships - especially marriage. Who wants to live with someone who is a ticking time bomb, never knowing when they'll explode? No one does.

How do you respond to anger? Just what is causing that reaction in you? In this study, you'll learn how to use this powerful emotion to help your relationship - rather than harm it.

Introduction:

Angry again? Is this an all-too-familiar emotion? Angry outbursts affect those around you - and no one more than your spouse. Feelings of anger can be very overwhelming and may lead to hurtful actions - and leave rifts in relationships. The truth is anger is something everyone experiences, yet is different for everyone.

Are you able to control your anger or is it controlling you? There are three main responses to anger: stuff it, spew it, or study it. Anger is usually an indicator of something else going on, but what?

Because anger is a secondary emotion, it is important to see that anger is often the surface emotion to a deeper one that is actually underlying. Could it be hurt, disappointment, or rejection? These are just a few of many others it could be. Take a moment and ask yourself these questions so you can evaluate the response.

There is good news for overcoming anger and working toward resolution and forgiveness!

What is causing your anger? Are you feeling devalued, invalidated, unloved, neglected, irritated, controlled, or something else? What is the primary emotion that is causing the anger?

Anger is like a signal light indicating that something else is going on. You don't want to just control the anger, but determine what is the underlying emotion is beneath the surface.
Why are you feeling this primary emotion? Is it in response to a particular situation or response to a previous unmet need or pattern of behavior?

For example, if you felt rejected by your parents as a child, you will respond much quicker to that feeling of rejection whether it is intended by the other person or mistakenly perceived by you. The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley is a great book to discover why we respond today, based on our past.
Do you have unrealistic expectations that lead you to outbursts of anger?

Often anger is triggered because you were expecting something and you are disappointed by the outcome. Evaluate the situation and try to set more realistic expectations next time.
What type of pattern is your anger taking? Do you work to resolve your anger, or do you let it control you (either by allowing it to escalate or fester internally)?

People deal with anger in very different ways some blow instantly and others withdraw allowing dark thoughts and bitterness to fester. The apostle Paul writes "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Romans 7:15) Confrontation, suppression and passive aggression, while very different means of dealing with anger - each is destructive in its own way.
How is your anger affecting those around you? How are your relationships suffering because of your anger?

Sometimes our anger is affecting our relationships whether we want to admit it or not. It could simply be time to sit down during a non-emotional time and discuss what bothers you both and seek forgiveness. Or it could be time to find some extra help in the form of a counselor (see our list of recommended counselors at http://www.familylifecanada.org/counsellors.html).
Why are you seeking help for this problem now? What precipitated you looking for help?

Sometimes there is a specific incident that pushes us "over the edge" which can be a very difficult place to be, yet causes us to face the reality that we need help. Although emotions can be overwhelming, they can be start of great change. Is there a safe person you can talk to (perhaps writing down thoughts may help). Facing the emotion and identifying a form of expression can be very helpful.
Can you recall a time you handled your anger well? Are there other milestones you can look back on and see hope for the future?

Getting help right now through this study can be your new beginning as you discuss it with your mentor! Also, the Bible and prayer can be a big part of a new start. James 1:19-20 says, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."
What do you need to DO to bring resolution and forgiveness in your relationships?

First you may need to take ownership for your wrong doing and/or ask for forgiveness and/or extend forgiveness. Difficult, but it could well open the door to restoration. Consider one of the resources below to help you through the process of controlling your anger instead of allowing it control you. Remember, Jesus is our true source of hope and help for every situation. Day by day, the Holy Spirit is there to help you. To learn more about Jesus and the Holy Spirit, please ask your mentor. Remember Ephesians 4:32: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.
What additional thoughts or questions do you have about this study?
Are you a person who prays about the difficult issues that you face? Please pray with me in these areas:

Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this - there is hope and help. Remember, God is the ultimate source of help and He loves you just as you are.

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